On the Edge of the Beltway: Unidentified Political Shenanigans and the Theatre of the Absurd

Apprehension and absurdism pulsing through my veins, I descended upon the echoing halls of YouTube Live, ready for a spectacle: the long-awaited UAP (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena) disclosure hearings. Bats in the belfry, they said. A cosmic circus, I thought.

There's a warped beauty in watching our esteemed representatives, decked out in their sterile suits, attempting to grapple with the prospect of the unknown. Like watching a cat try to solve a Rubik's cube. Only in this case, the cube might be from Alpha Centauri.

I logged in and waited, Johnny Cash’s “Ghost Riders in the Sky” playing in my mind's ear. The scene was set. A range of characters sat there: high-ranking military brass with poker faces, one scientist who looked like she'd just realized Pluto wasn’t a planet anymore, and a couple of so-called "experts" who probably have their own alien-inspired Etsy shops.

The hearings began, and it was immediately clear: this wasn’t about extraterrestrial life and the cosmic dance of the galaxies. No, this was a theatrical production, a feigned search for truth. A way to reassure Joe Public that, yes, the government's got this under control, even if "this" means silver discs defying physics.

Senator McOldface asked a general, "What exactly is a UAP?" Was he expecting "an oversized Frisbee flown by green men"? Instead, he got a nondescript answer about atmospheric phenomena and advanced drones. Yawn.

Then came a twist. A passionate testimony from a pilot who’d seen something unexplainable. A tic-tac-shaped craft, zipping past his jet, defying the laws of gravity. The room went silent. For a fleeting moment, it felt like truth might surface, like the icy grip of secrecy might thaw.

But wait! Dr. Etsy-shop to the rescue, bringing us back to Earth with a theory about “interdimensional rifts” and “psychic wavelengths.” Half the room nodded in awe. The other half checked if it was lunchtime yet.

Throughout the hearings, one thing became painfully clear: we were no closer to the truth. The witnesses contradicted each other. The politicians seemed more interested in stock portfolios and soundbites for their next campaign. And the public? Treated like kids given a toy to keep them busy, so they won’t notice the grown-ups are hiding something.

The entire event felt like a Starship Enterprise fever dream. Political posturing, interspersed with tales of the fantastical, yet ending in the dreary realization that bureaucracy would forever cloud the skies of truth.

Logging out, the air felt heavy with missed opportunities. Perhaps somewhere, in a bar in Roswell or a bunker in Wright Patterson, the real stories are being whispered, while Capitol Hill remains an echo chamber of the absurd.

In a world screaming for transparency, the UAP (Unidentified Asshole Politicians) Congressional hearings were a silent mime show. Performative or not, the search for truth in those hallowed halls was as elusive as the aliens themselves. That night as I drifted into dreamland, I couldn’t help but think: we’re still not alone, but we’re certainly left in the dark.